I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize