the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
