Please, let me fuck your mom
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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