What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
