Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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