Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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