you didnt know i had herpes?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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