My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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