does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
