so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
