Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Randomize
