just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
