how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
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In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
It's never too late to be topless.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
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there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
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