I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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