just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
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Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
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You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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