I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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