Your face is a jimmy john
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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