literally had 100 drinks last night.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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