I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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