I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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