Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
