No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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