I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
