Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
