Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
