I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
