You're my little dorito
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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