Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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