I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
This is the prime rib incident all over again
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
