cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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