This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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