i wish my penis had a tongue
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
