whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Randomize
