I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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