he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
