At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
