My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
