Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
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It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
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I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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