Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Randomize
