If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
