Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
