It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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