I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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