are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
