The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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