Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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