Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
