i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
