You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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