I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
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He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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