Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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