These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
