I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
