between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
No...this little piggys going to the bar
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
